Today is the halfway mark till the pregnancy test. The nurse who discharged me after the transfer had written that my follow up blood work should be on the 21st, but that didn't make sense based on other things I'd read, so I double checked with my nurse and I have to wait till the 24th. I'm trying to figure out if I should have the nurse call me with the results on my cell phone and just leave the message there so I can check it after work. That would save any tears at work, which would probably come no matter what the outcome. But it also involves a level of discipline that I'm not sure I have. I'm not allowed to use a home test (the shots can give a false positive) and I had one around the house that I asked Matt's mom to hide while she was here last week. I realized that I couldn't be trusted with it once I made up a massive rationalization about how I would only trust the test if it was negative, and it would only be to help me slowly deal with the idea that it didn't work instead of it all coming at once. I couldn't even bring myself to try that one on Matt.
In the end I think I'm going to have to leave my phone at home that day. I don't know how to check my messages away from my phone, so that might be the only way. We're going to have a new interim boss at work who will be on his third day in the office next Friday, so I'm thinking tears and obsessive checking of personal phone messages will be looked down on. Also, I'm sure it will be written all over my face and I know my boss will ask, and while I really like my boss, I don't want him to be the first person I talk to about it.
Now that I'm looking at the rationalization, it really makes sense to me. Anyone else?? Dammit, how am I going to make it another 9 days? Where's Michael J. Fox and his time machine when I need it?